Cody: “Forgive me father for I have sinned. This is my first confession. I have strayed from the sacred path of vegetarianism and tasted the flesh of one of your creatures.”

Father: “Hmm, this gives new meaning to ‘sins of the flesh’. Your penance is to consume only wheatgrass juice for one month.”

It happened last week. I grabbed an innocent little chocolate chip cookie at the cafeteria. Part way through eating it, the “chocolate chips” started to seem a lot more like bacon bits. Wtf, who puts bacon bits in a cookie (other than these guys)?

Now if I were one of those extremist vegetarians, I would have promptly crammed a fist down my throat in a frantic attempt to induce vomiting. Saturated fat! Animal protein! Sacrilege!

Nobody likes militant vegetarians. These are the people that will subject you to a diatribe if you eat steak in their presence (not to mention veal…). With infuriating superiority they will lecture you on the many health, environmental and ethical benefits of vegetarianism/pescatarianism/raw food veganism/whatever. In short, your carnivorous pursuits will result in your imminent demise, but not before the planet becomes a mono-cultured, carbon-bathed, sinkhole of depravity. After a while, the message sounds just like the proselytizing of some religious group. Smile, nod and slowly back away…

And it’s not just the vegetarians. The non-celiac gluten sensitivity people are even worse. It’s like a cult. Some people believe that diet is on par with rocket science. Here’s a cool idea: “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.“

Equally annoying are the people that apologize for eating meat near me. “Oh sorry, you’re vegetarian, this pork must be grossing you out!” Bitch please.

I really do believe in being vegetarian. I just try not to force my beliefs on others. I remain smugly silent, content with my free-flowing arteries and clean conscience. But I’ll let you in on a little secret: instead of making a scene at the cafeteria, I savored the rest of the bacon cookie.

Very devious…